Thanks and Giving

I haven't blogged in a while. With the Holidays and the kids school, I really just got caught up in the day to day activities that keep us plodding along. I am thankful for so much this year, My family, friends-new and old, my relative good health,and my relationship. I am thankful that I'm in a place that I can "strip down" into myself and feel supported to do my process. To grow within my relationships as well as grow into myself. To know that I am loved when I feel strong and confident as well as when I feel small and not good enough. I have been working on the "not enough" this year. Who do I want to be? I want to be proud of myself...how does one do this? Do I live my life the way I want or what might be expected of us? Who gets to say? Me, well me and Andrew. We are a team. Recently Andrew and I gave our time to Habitat for Humanity. Was a wonderful experience. It felt really good to get out with all these other folks to help our community. I definatly want to continue to give. In a way it felt like such a simple thing to do. I can't wait to do this with the boys...when they are bigger. But, we do share the knowledge of helping others with them. And will continue too. We find ways to teach in simple ways for them to understand. Soon we will be going through their toys to donate. This was always a little hard for them to understand..but I think they are starting to get it. Anyway, Hope everyone is happy and healthy and is having a wonderful Holiday season. Love and Light to you all!

Autumn days

For those of you who know me...really know me, know that this year has been a doozie for me. I've been this person who keeps everything all nice and bottled up. Then after many years of pushing my feelings down into the dark abyss that is my psyche..Bang! Pow! Chaos! emotional Armageddon! Panic! Anxiety! Well, I think you get the idea. The only time I really felt like my true self was the year after my step dad died. I hardly remember the year that he died. I spent a lot of time out of body. But it was the first time I felt my heart break...that I can really remember. After the tears and the self pity subsided...anger set in. The unfairness of it all. Yadda Yadda. I got on a plane and my world changed. I felt this sense of freedom I had never experienced before. I felt strong, empowered, bold, mysterious, and happy. Really amazing considering a few months earlier I was almost convinced they were going to drag me away (drooling) to the funny farm! I learned from first hand experience to be truthful and authentic with people. I flourished. Most of the time I wasn't totally conscious of what was transpiring...but then I would journal and I would ask myself these questions...why am I here? What am I learning? Stuff of this nature. I liked this new, brave me. She was looking pretty good. She was feeling pretty good. Then I came home. Slowly over time "old" me started to re-emerge. Then Bang! Pow! emotional Armageddon! Here we go again. How many times do I have to run into that same damn brick wall!!! What the hell is wrong with me? Well...what is it? Fear. Aha! Fear...fear of appearing a fool? fear of ridicule? fear of failure?..very popular one indeed. Fear of success? Shall I continue? No? So what do I do now?
Well, I pick myself up and dust myself off and start ovah. I have been reminded a few times that I am a beginner. There are a lot of things I don't know. This is exciting and scary. But now that I am a parent it seems all the more....important. I'm a teacher whether I want to be or not. My kids are going to take my lead...at least for a little while. This seems like such an awesome responsibility! I realise that so many people parent unconsciously. I try to be a mindful parent. I do struggle with trying to be a perfect parent...but, I'm learning to let that go. For me this blog has been a lot about reflection. Also, I think it's about emptying the crap that runs around like a sugared up monkey in my head. So everyday I face the little challanges of life..like everyone else..and I say " Bring it!"
That's what life is all about...right?

Morning Meditation

" Female friendships that work are relationships in which women help each other to belong to themselves." Louise Bernikow

" To have anything worth giving to a friend, we must belong to ourselves. Are we someone we like? Does our behavior agree with our beliefs? Do our friends share our values, and when we are together do we support one another?

If we don't like our own company, we will try to hide our real selves. The more we hide, the further we are running from wholeness and health. We can assess ourselves, calmly and lovingly, so that we can keep on becoming the women we want to be. The more congruent are our behavior and our beliefs, the more we belong to ourselves. The better we like ourselves, the better friends we can be."

Affirmation:
" The love and sympathy of my women friends can help me in my spiritual journey toward serenity, and I can help theirs. Today, I will accompany others on their journey, and thus find company for my own."
Anon.

Andrew and I were talking about the people we have in our lives now. How important our friends are to us. What we get out of our relationships...who have fallen by the wayside...what kind of folks are we wanting to attract to us now? I feel like this has been a time for re-grouping. For digging down and really looking inward. What is important to us, to our family? There has been a lot of looking back to see if there are unresolved issues that are effecting our now. I have a feeling that there are big lessons for me in doing this. Big lessons for us all really. Here's to looking at ourselves with honesty and compassion. xoxo

This Stage...

" Let us not stifle ourselves any longer. Let us dare to dream and realize those dreams. Let us dare to take risks, having faith that to advance in any respect implies taking risks. We have one another's example to inspire us as we contemplate our own agenda for self expression. Many of us for far too long passively watched others move forward. No longer need we be passive observers, but the familiarity of no action, no choice making, and irresponsibility, makes passivity attractive at times. We must remember responsible choices, for only those make possible our very special contributions. Not every day do we awaken with the strength needed to " do our part." But the strength will be available just as quickly as we call for it. Alone, we are strugglers; however, we have a ready partnership, and it guarantees us guidance, wisdom, and strength when we ask for it."
" I will center on myself. I will nurture the maturing woman within and then reach out."
Anon

School Daze

As we head into the middle of the first full week of school for the big boys, I find myself wondering what my early experiences were like. I don't remember a lot of detail. I remember my preschool graduation. I remember my best friend Tina in Kindergarten. I was in a bilingual class in second grade that I really enjoyed. Third grade I had a harder time. My mom, who was chronically late, got in trouble for never getting me to school on time. I remember being embarrassed having to walk into the classroom knowing I was going to interrupt the lesson.The teacher saying out loud, in front of everyone, how she was going to talk to my mom about it. So I'm in a frenzy in the morning..breakfast..get everyone dressed, lunch for two..brush teeth, spray curls/fluff, kids vitamins, get all our bike gear on, and three days a week getting Tone ready for school too. After the morning craziness is done and I return home, I then realise that I haven't even brushed my teeth and my socks don't match. The house looks like a bomb hit every room and I am starving. So I spend "my" time doing the kids homework. Yes homework for my preschool kid as well as the Kinders! This is all in the guise of fun...crafts for the Family. Then there's PTA..sign up for this and that. Give time...give money!!! But, what keeps me partially sane in all this is that I know I'm not the only harried, fuzzy toothed mom out there. There are a lot of us out there so be kind and beware. ;)

Change Change Change

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Hot Dog!

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Labor Day

Haven't blogged in a few days. This morning on my walk I was doing step ups and two woman came running by me. One shouted out " You go girl! way to go! I will be doing those tomorrow." I was taken aback a little. I haven't been encouraged by a total stranger before. Was kinda nice. We don't always say nice things to each other...on the contrary really. We are more likely to criticize each other. This made me acutely aware of this factor. So today I am going to compliment a stranger. Who knows...I may start a trend. Have an awesome Labor day. xoxo

First day of school...

So today was the first day of Kindergarten for the boys. I have been looking forward to this day for a while. So here we are. Last night I was talking to Andrew about it and all our expectations. When I dropped off Andrew at the Bart station I cried like a baby. I think some of it has to do with them growing up and the reality that they will never be 4 again or 3...you get my meaning. But I also think that this might be bringing up some school stuff for me. I remember being excited about going and doing crafts...but my sense is that my kids have it a lot better than I. The schools are better. The teachers are dedicated and enthusiastic. The parents are involved. I need to remember that their experience is their own unique one ..not mine. This has been a tough year for me so far. As I struggle to navigate through it I am comforted by the love and friendship I have with Andrew. I don't know what I would do without his understanding and support. My friends and my mom are a great sources of strength. I only wish that my friends weren't so far away. Well, I guess it's time to open up to new people and put myself out there... wherever that is.
xoxo

The folks who come and go

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Baby Steps..

I put a lot of pressure on myself. Be a good mother. Be a good wife. Be a good friend. Be a good daughter. Be a good person. You get it. Well maybe I set myself up for disappointment. Can't always be good right? What about being good enough? Trying to change some old behavior. Trying to take better care of myself...physically, emotionally, mentally, spiritually. I'm pretty impatient with myself. I mess up all the time too. But, I've already ridden the pity party train much too long. Time to suck it up and let go of the old B.S. that keeps me down. The weird thing is that even though I'm ready to evolve I'm sad. Why? My life is changing ..and I feel like I'm losing something. I am also gaining a lot...but for a while I think I have been a "glass is half empty" kind of gal. Wasn't always that way. Mostly I have a positive outlook on life. I like to trust in the goodness of people. But there's an old tape that sometimes plays in my head that people aren't to be trusted. That your always being judged by past deeds or mistakes, or just by how you look. That when someone does you a kindness it's because they expect something in return ("money in the bank" someone once said to me )This bums me out. But I plug along. Seeking wisdom and information. Hoping to find joy and adventure along the way. Hoping to bring new folks into my life as I and my loved ones become healthier. Life is such an interesting journey. Wonder where it leading us? xoxo

When I grow up....

Spoke a bit about the dreams of youth in my video today. How the things we dreamed of doing or becoming when we were small aren't at all what we are doing today. For some this is fine. For others this is something that we carry around with us on a daily basis. Either way...lessons. As I sit here I'm trying to remember the dreams I had when I was young. I remember running up to my mom very excited about something I wanted to do and couldn't wait to share the good news. But I was always met with my mother basically telling me that my ideas were unrealistic..or out of range for me. Now not to bag on my parental unit. She was just trying to protect me in her way. We didn't come from a family that encourages..so this is a new concept for us. So What did I learn...don't reach too high. Don't dream too big. The risk is too great. Failure is to be avoided at all cost. Well, now that I'm an adult (finally) I realise that this isn't really a great way to live. Why not reach high? Why not dream big? Risk can be exciting. Failure happens to everyone in some capacity once in a while. Helps us to grow..right? So here's to F-ing up once in a while while dreaming big and reaching high it's worth the risk.

Who got the Holy Spirit?

If you listened to my video about the woman who was screamin' in church today...you will know what I'm talkin' about. If not...check out my video blog(anewbeginningforus.blogspot.com). Anyway, what happened to this lady was one of my biggest fears. I start going to church to seek out a healthy spiritual community...and in the early days all I can think about is "..don't start crying" or lose your shit in front of strangers. This woman lost her shit big time. I don't know if she was a regular or what but it was pretty crazy. But in the end she was cared for. She had a circle of people around her helping her come back from wherever she was. They were loving and kind to her. So I guess..if your going to lose your shit...do it at church. This is not the kinda church of my youth. In fact I had never been to anything like this in my life! My experience with the catholic church has very much jaded me when it comes to the existance of a higher power( Whispers: " G O D ") Can't say the word with out added explanation...or air quotes. Eh...whataya gonna do? xoxo.

got that ol' funky feeling....

Doing my homework for my grief class. Working on my grandma now. I think this has been the hardest for me to do. I loved her more than anyone. She was my mother for the first 12 years of my life. Good or bad this is fact. After she died I did something that is pretty common. I enshrined her. You couldn't say a bad word against her or I would literally chew you up and spit you out! Then, a few years later, in therapy I had a revelation. Realising certain things I did the opposite. Bedevilment. I was so angry. I know that the truth is somewhere in the middle. Good or bad. Right or wrong. At the end of the day, I know she loved me. She loved me more than I probably even realise. So, here I am. Doing the work. Feeling the feelings. Trying to get the past where it needs to be ...in the past. Growing up is hard sometimes. I feel that I need to do these things so I don't pass on to my children the sames dysfunctional ideas. My inner critical voice has been running amok for a while and I know it's going to take some time to change the tape. Work in prgress......